


But You Will Never Care

by ambivalentlangst



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: (Shiro give him Validation please thanks), Black Paladin Keith, Hero Complex, Inferiority Complex, Keith is oblivious and means no harm!!!, Kuron, Lance is a complex boy with complex emotions!!!!, Langst, M/M, Shiro is good and isn't meant to be antagonistic!!, Unrequited Love, and he's sensitive which is okay but, clone theory, he is also sad and deserves LOVE which I have yet to give him but ahh, its just kind of how lance perceives it because he has a lot of love to give, red paladin lance, shance, the Garrison is Not a Good Place for Lance, the self harm is super super minor and more of an off handed comment but it's there so be forewarned, tw bullying and very very minor self harm as well as low self esteem/worth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-19
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2019-02-04 06:20:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12764955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ambivalentlangst/pseuds/ambivalentlangst
Summary: Lance had never believed in love at first sight. Then, he met Takashi Shirogane and Lance learned he was a fool. It was just too bad that with so many other more remarkable specimens around, Lance knew Shiro couldn't care less about him.





	But You Will Never Care

**Author's Note:**

> Have some langsty shance because I haven't written shance yet??? What am I doing this is so unprofessional like bejesus. I hope I kept the characterization pretty realistic considering I've never done this pairing before and also I cannot write romance!! Regardless, I hope you enjoy! Thank you for reading, and if you feel like it kudos and comments are always appreciated!!

Lance never truly believed in whole fairytale, love at first sight thing. Oh yes, Lance was constantly on the search of love. A hopeless romantic, but flirting aside, he was serious. Love was something nurtured from mutual interest and trust, and no matter how he’d like it to be as easy as a glance at the right person, Lance knew better. His mama had told him time and time again how his heart was a precious thing, so he had to lock it up tight.

Lance was a fool, and Takashi Shirogane was his ruin.

Lance had at first had a petty crush, more of hero complex in regards to Shiro than anything. He adored him and admired him, had admittedly bought a crappy action figure the Garrison released of him. Shiro was everything he wanted to be, a hero charging into space for the good of the whole world. He’d already applied for the Garrison, but as he laid awake and night and desperately imagined what it would feel like to actually get in, it was the thought of Takashi Shirogane that made his dream his prevailing hope. If he got into the Garrison, he’d go where Takashi Shirogane had been before him. If that didn’t mean great things, he didn’t know what did.

Lance hated the Garrison. He hated the Garrison so much, and every step through the halls felt like hot knives pricking his skin. Every smile a brand on his cheeks, aimed to please while he scraped his fingers raw in the climb for the top spot amongst his peers. Being in the school of his dreams felt like he was balanced on a tightrope, with an audience that threw rocks at him to spice up his act. It was always a competition, and he felt like if he even took a second to catch his breath he’d choke in the wake of dust left behind with him. He tried so, so hard and yet he always fell short. He had never been the one to search out Keith Kogane. No, that was forced upon him. As Lance would later learn, Keith was oblivious. God, he wished he could be like that. It made a jolt go up Lance’s spine, catching bits and pieces of conversation that were difficult on their own to understand, so different from his pretty, musical mother tongue. Harsh English words that just proved how far he was from home and those who cared, and they were always comparing him to Keith. 

“He could be so much-”

“Just behind Kogane-”

“Good, but not enough-”

He couldn’t tune it out, and it drove him to tears more times than he could count, pressing his face into his pillow at night, stifling his sobs so Hunk wouldn’t wake. It was on the aftermath of one of those many nights of red rimmed eyes and a wet pillow that he found out about the Kerberos mission.

If Lance didn’t have the memory of his Mama’s smile grounding him, tears in her eyes as she read his acceptance letter, if he didn’t remember the late night conversations he’d overheard as they fought to scrounge together the funds to send him away, he would’ve left then and there. Even his hero had deserted the Garrison, one of the only reasons Lance could still find it in him to tough it out. Things were bad, horrible really, from there. Midterms were coming up, the deciding factor for fighter class for the remainder of the year. Lance tried so hard, but the words seemed to swim before his eyes despite the hours he spent studying, and he just couldn’t get the information to stick no matter how detailed his notes were. When results were posted, Lance had hoped and hoped and hoped and begged any god he could think of that he would make it. Prove them all wrong, and that he could be just as good or better than Keith.

Lance did not even make it to fighter class. He was a cargo pilot.

That night was bad. That whole day was bad. He didn’t bother with class, and went back to his dorm. He wrapped himself in a blanket, and didn’t eat. He just sat in the darkened room, and when Hunk came in he pretended to be asleep. When night fell, he snuck out. He went to the highest point he could find and screamed and screamed and screamed his heart out into the wind. He flung rocks out into the canyon and punched the rock until his knuckles bled. When his anger and frustration was exhausted he gave into the crushing disappointment he couldn’t defeat, and then he sobbed. It was past midnight when he returned, creeping past Pidge, who was still up on his computer. Lance missed the concerned look he gave him, as he crawled into bed with only the light from his laptop to expose the tear tracks on his face.   
The next morning, his smile was fixed firmly back in face. He decided he would not let his immovable facade fall. He was going to be happy, pretend all those scalding comments and judging looks didn’t feel like knives lodging firmly in the flesh of his back. He survived if nothing else, ran himself ragged just doing it. Then, what was supposed to be good news came. He made it to fighter class. His chance, his break! They must’ve made a mistake on his test, and now he could finally show everyone that-

Lance found out Keith had a brawl with Iverson and was expelled. Lance found out he was his replacement.

Lance spent another night in the desert.

By the time that pod slammed into the dry earth, Lance was ready to do absolutely anything if it meant he could get away from the Garrison. Anything at all, and if it was the mystery surrounding the very obviously alien technology, so be it. He was chomping at the bit, leaping at the opportunity to escape. Seeing Keith was an unwelcome surprise, but Lance dealt. He snuck away from his personal hell with Pidge and Hunk, and Lance learned that he was an idiot. Lance had never seen Takashi Shirogane in person before. His hero was only a god of sorts to him that appeared on the crappy old T.V. back home with his beautiful smile, and was exalted throughout the halls of the Garrison. A strong young man who had been taken from the world too young. When Lance stared at him passed out on that table, however, he saw something entirely different.

This Takashi Shirogane was scarred, leathery, darkened skin running across his nose and Lance imagined elsewhere. He had lines on his face that made him look years older than the smiling boy in pictures, eager to explore space where nobody else had been before. A tuft of white hair replacing what had once been the color of tar. 

Stress, Lance’s brain supplied. Stress can do that.

When Lance looked at Takashi Shirogane he saw someone who had fought, and though he’d come out alive he was not without scars, the sort that never faded. Most of all, though Lance didn’t believe in fairytales, he loved him. The second he laid eyes on him, he felt love swell fiercely within him, all consuming but somehow narrowing his focus to the problem at hand. He hoisted him up on his shoulders as gently as he could, sparing a glance at Keith, who was helping. It stung that when they locked eyes, he could see no recognition within them. Just a hard, hostile glare. Keith had no idea who he was, and how he’d made his life miserable just by being present for the better part of a year. Lance didn’t mean to sound bitter when he spoke, but it was hard when someone asking him a question was the same person who he’d been compared to constantly, always told he should be more like him even though he was doing his best and why couldn’t they see it was his best? Why wasn’t his best ever good enough?

Keith appeared annoyed, but that wasn’t the priority. They hurried Shiro back to Keith’s shed, but the ride had terrified Lance. It occurred to him about the second he saw the pod that it could be a ticket out of the Garrison, and when they pursued him he began to panic. If they found him, he might have to go back. Maybe they’d just cover up the whole incident and make Lance go back to class. The thought tightened his grip until his knuckles were white. He couldn’t go back, not now, not ever. Suddenly when he looked at Shiro’s unconscious body, he was not only someone Lance loved, he was his savior. Lance fell harder.

Up in space, Lance was dealt another crushing blow. Keith and Shiro knew each other. They were practically brothers, and wherever Shiro went Keith never took long to follow. Lance never had a moment alone with him, though he knew his crush was hopeless anyways. He was Takashi Shirogane, he would never even spare Lance a glance romantically. He barely spared him a glance regardless. He barely seemed to even like him. Even though Lance tried so hard to make him happy, to make him look at him with anything other than a cold acceptance or annoyance, he always seemed to fall short. 

Anybody he fought with was always right, according to Shiro. He didn’t listen to his plans. Lance told himself that was fine. What did he know anyways, compared to Shiro? Shiro, who’d been through so much and deserved so much better. He should just stay back and let Shiro lead. With that in mind, that was how Lance acted. He didn’t keep trying, not when Shiro didn’t even care. Still, Lance’s heart had his head turning towards him, eyes shining with admiration as he stared at the man, his teammate. He coped and everything was okay, until it wasn’t.

Shiro was gone. Lance’s savior from the scrutiny of everyone back home, his hero, the man he loved had seemingly disappeared into thin air. It felt like Lance’s heart stopped beating, but hell, didn’t everybody feel that way? Maybe the rest of the team didn’t love Shiro like Lance did, but his absence was a gaping wound in their team. Voltron couldn’t be formed, different members of the team couldn’t function for various reasons, and nobody could open their damn mouths and talk it out. Lance eventually decided he had to be the one to do it. As far as the team knew, he had little to grieve for aside from the loss of the team’s leader. Shiro didn’t favor Lance. Lance had never really been given the time of day, and he knew that. He loved Shiro more than anything, so he did what he thought he would have wanted. Even in his absence he did his best to make him proud.

He let himself be a shoulder to cry on for the team, and let his tears fall alone in the privacy of his room. He helped the others to their feet, despite the way they rejected him on occasion. When it was decided they had to choose a new pilot for Black? Lance tried, oh, he tried. He wanted to show everyone that he could be serious, a real member of the team instead of just the funny one, who didn’t really have any other purpose. Who was more of a nuisance than a friend. He did his absolute best, pleaded with Black to just let him in. Let him follow in Shiro’s footsteps, and do something for the rest of his team. The cockpit remained dark, and Lance stumbled out in defeat.

Keith, naturally, was the one who earned the title of black paladin. What did Lance expect? He’d gotten up and reassured him, but oh how it stung. Of course he knew it was what Shiro would’ve wanted, and his lion seemed to agree. He had long gotten over the stupid rivalry, attempted to at least be friends with Keith, but he never was able to fully suppress the sting he felt as Keith continued to come out on top. That hurt remained within him, incessantly pent up only to be finally released when he was sure he was alone. It was about when Lance had been locked out of Blue and sent to Red that he finally accepted it, staring with tears in his eyes at Blue’s particle barrier locking him out. His own lion, the only thing he could claim to be uniquely his own, had abandoned him. He was nothing but a replacement for Keith. Just a different, worse version of him that didn’t work as well as the real thing. It was no wonder Shiro didn’t spare him a second glance, when he had the original to look at.

Lance did not let his resignation show. He did his best to help the team, even if it meant every single move he made, every single breath he took felt like it was stolen from someone who deserved it more. He smiled and laughed and did his best because that was all he could do, even when his best felt like holding up rotten fruit in comparison to a thriving tree. For a few moments, he had dared to feel secure. Somehow, he was skirting by. The team seemed to think he was doing okay, and then Shiro returned.

Lance’s greatest love was the catalyst for a mountain of insecurities that overwhelmed him, had him crying to Keith about them. Allura was better, Keith was better, Shiro was better, anyone at all was better than him. He was going to be cast out, and nobody would think twice about it because all he was in the end was an outdated version of what used to be a good machine. Shiro had always known, Lance felt. He had always come in second to someone, because Shiro could sense all his failure.

It was when Keith left for the Blade that Lance felt he could relax. He felt awful for it, granted. He hated that seeing Keith walk away put something in him at ease, because for now he was safe. He had a little longer to scrape by. Lance was not counting the happiness that followed.  
Sometime during the time they’d left Earth, his face had thinned and become weary with worry permanently etched onto his features. Six paladins meant he was always in danger, but Keith was gone. Maybe they thought about Keith’s past endeavors, but Lance was not constantly compared to him. It felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Slowly, his smiles became genuine again. He felt at ease, and then the most unexpected thing happened to him. Lance was suddenly wanted. He loved Keith like a brother, and wouldn’t hesitate to put himself in harm’s way, even put his life in danger for him. Still, it was hard when everyone knew the former red paladin was so much better than him. Keith was the one called to meetings and for missions, but he was gone and now there was only him. Suddenly, it was him Shiro called on, Allura called on. Though he knew it was only because they’d lost their first choice, he couldn’t help but to bask in the attention.

When his teammates had problems and Shiro was busy, it was him they came to. Allura asked for his opinion on strategy. Then, when they started to win he turned Shiro’s head. At first, it was little things.

Shiro would ask Lance to do a simple resource gathering mission, or to take care of something around the castle. Then it moved to better things. Shiro joined him on those small side missions, and they talked. Shiro sat with him and talked strategy and battle plans, listened to what he had to say. Shiro opened himself up like a book to Lance, who was all too happy to read. Lance couldn’t help but to return the favor. He spilled all his secrets and insecurities, how he missed home and Blue and didn’t think of himself as anything special. Shiro was there to wipe his tears, to tell him how needed he was. It was not until the day he finally confessing with great, hulking sobs that he felt like nobody wanted him unless Keith wasn’t around, that Shiro kissed him.

Lance had tears running down his cheeks from the confession, surely making his lips salty. His eyes were puffy and red, and every so often a sniffle interrupted his speech. Shiro didn’t care, and as he whispered sweet nothings in his ear Lance experienced what could only be called happiness. Happiness, for a split second, and then Lance was certain of three things in the universe.

First, he loved Takashi Shirogane more than any creature in the universe had ever loved anything before. 

Second, he would do anything to make Shiro happy. He would pull down the moon and hang the stars for him, if it would only make him smile.

Third, the man who had kissed him was not Takashi Shirogane. Lance knew Shiro. Even if the man didn’t care for him and would rather him be shooed away without a second thought, he knew him. He knew Shiro was a steadfast leader and was fiercely loyal to his friends. He knew that Shiro was kind and brave and so much more damaged than he ever let on. Lance knew Shiro and his traits, the kind of man Shiro was. Though those were all important, easy tells about him, those were not Shiro’s defining factor. No, as Lance clung to whoever the man in front of him was and sobbed even harder with his face pressed into his chest, he knew that it was not truly the man he so adored because Shiro would never, ever love him back.


End file.
